Not So Happy

By Cristina Adams on Tuesday September 29, 2009
This post is about moms, money psychology
Over lunch the other day, I asked a friend of mine if she was happy, the kind of deep-down happy that, even if everything seems to be going to hell in a hatbox, is always there. She said she was pretty much a happy soul, and then turned the question back on me.

cristina_fishingBig pause. Me? Happy? I had to admit that I wasn’t — am not — a generally satisfied, over-the-moon kind of person. I can’t speak for other women, but upon reflection I’ve decided that my underlying discontent is due, in part, to the fact that my mother never had a career or a paying job. Don’t get me wrong, I admire and adore my mother tremendously. She was — and continues to be — a fantastic mom, a well-educated and well-read woman, and a tireless volunteer in public schools. But she grew up in an era where most women didn’t have children, careers AND personal interests.

Let's be honest, most women didn't have careers back in the 1950s and 1960s, and my mom was no exception. As a result, she's never had an accomplishment to call her own (unless you count my brother and me). To her credit, she didn’t expect me to be like her; not once did she imply that I should get married, have kids or be taken care of. Neither did she suggest that I map out professional goals for myself or discover my life's passion.

Let me be clear: I certainly don’t discount any woman who chooses to stay home and raise a family. For many women, that is their passion, and I applaud them for it. As much as I love my husband and children, however, I want to be more than just everybody’s something — wife, mom, employee, chauffeur. Someday, I want to point to an achievement, say, “Look at what I did,” and be proud. Did I mention that my happy friend’s mom was a pioneer in broadcast television and worked with John Cameron Swayze at NBC in the 1950s, and went to law school at the age of 46 after raising three kids?

The good news is that, after years of swimming in the dark, of wandering through various careers, I’m almost there, ever closer to that all-too-elusive happiness I’ve been chasing. Still, I can’t help but wonder if I’d had a role model to emulate, if I’d been pushed a little harder, if I'd been guided by a more self-confident hand, whether or not I might have had the confidence to get there sooner.
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written by betsy , September 29, 2009
I hear ya. I find myself quite jealous (in a nice way, if you can be nicely jealous) of my daughter and her peers - who got my generation of professional women for moms. THey are so savvy. Wish someone told me I could do something!
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written by Laura. , September 29, 2009
wow. i think it's a pretty big statement to bring all your unhappiness back to your mom not having a career. i do not see the connection at all, either in theory or in the words of your blog post. to say that your mother has not accomplished anything because she never had a career is also a big statement. although my mother has had a career as a teacher, and she is really good at it, there were also many, many years that she stayed home to care for her family, and i don't see either of those choices as reasons for me to be unhappy. my happiness depends on me and the choices i make, not on my mother's choice (or lack thereof) when it came to her career.
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written by Amanda (DW Founder) , September 29, 2009
Hi Laura, as much as I may agree with your points, I ask you to "hold the space" for Cristina as she reveals something unorthodox and extremely vulnerable in a public forum. If you sat down with Cristina, you'd see she's far more complex and multi-layered than one blog post can relate. I think all she means to do is reveal something personal -- a feeling she has -- whether rationally grounded or not. Intellectually she'd might agree with you. Of course her kids are accomplishments. Of course her happiness rests with her. At the same time, I know I wonder who I'd be or how I'd feel if certain aspects of my childhood were different.
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written by Alena , September 29, 2009
You can find your way to happiness (reasonable happiness - it's never every moment). It's good to have a role model, but the real essence is within you.

It was well expressed by my rabbi in a sermon during recent High Holy Day services. I will try to provide you with a copy.
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written by janny226 , September 29, 2009
I agree with Laura to some extent, even after reading Amanda's reply comment. But I also agree with Cristina that had a different type of role model been available, or someone willing to guide me in how to chose a career path, life could have been different. In my case I'd say the lack of that came from both sides, mom and dad. And even though my mom was at home, she has always been my biggest supporter.
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written by Liz , September 30, 2009
It makes no sense that you are not happy because your mom did not choose to have a career. I think you need to figure out what the real reason is and not blame it on your mom's choice to stay home.
It sounds like you think if your mother would have had a job you wouldn't have had to make any decisions - you would have just followed her same career path. What if you didn't like the job she chose you would be in the same situation you are now - looking for that elusive perfect career. Everyone would like that perfect career mentor.
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written by Laura. , September 30, 2009
hi amanda, i can certainly understand and respect that this is quite an unorthodox and personal thing to share, i guess i just didn't completely understood the connection between the two from the rest of the post. i don't doubt that cristina is a complex person, nor that any of us would be different people if we had had different childhood experiences. i guess what i meant to say is that it was a pretty large statement to make, but that the ensuing paragraphs didn't seem to extrapolate enough to help me understand it.
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written by upper east side , October 02, 2009
I dont know if you can put blame on your mom for your unhappiness. My mother had a thriving career as a medical doctor specializing in allergy and immunology, and was very involved in her profession. Different from you, I felt left out that my mother was not always around for my after school games, field trips, and to pack me lunch. I went the other extreme and decided after years of academic rigor, and a year of medical school that I wanted to invest more in me and my future family. I changed careers to nursing so I could still have a profession, but have more flexibility at the same time. I wanted to have the time and energy to provide my kids with the kind of special attention and nurturing that I missed out on as a child. I get a lot of joy out of caring for my loved ones and making moments special with the "little" details,... things that my time crunched life couldn't afford in the past. Happiness is not always spelled out by your profession. For me it was always more about people and the relationships I've built. I've always said that I could do any job and be happy, as long as I like my co-workers. Happiness is affected by various factors, and is very dependent on your personality.
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written by Adelaide Zindler , October 02, 2009
Dear Christina,

I too have been reflecting more deeply on childhood events, and am more confident than ever that our childhood builds toward adulthood like addition into calculus. It really does impact our decisions as well as our thinking. Of the gifts that you are strongest in today, you may be surprised to discover at least 3 of these stemming from your mom's example. The research has confirmed that in every culture under heaven we can find as many genius, average and retarded among us. I find that compelling as I weigh my value against those around me. God has created us with so much capacity for excellence that it is staggering to consider. For one thing I have just learned how to gear my emails toward my life's purpose as a result of reading yours. So you go dear lady! You will find your way, and in the meantime thanks for sharing your journey with us!

Believe well!

Adelaide Zindler
Chief Work-At-Home-Mom Cheerleader
http://www.FearlessParenting.com

Assimilate. Infiltrate. Liberate
Family Business
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written by cristina , October 05, 2009

Cristina responds to Liz, Laura, etc. – as janny226 puts it, my mother has always been my biggest supporter and, in no way, do I “blame” my mother for my not-so-happy state. On the contrary, I distinctly said that I adore and admire her. Thanks to her I am passionate about reading, music, travel, cooking, languages and so many other great things. But as I noted in my post, I often wonder, now that I'm an adult with children who are finding their own way, whether or not I might have figured out what I wanted, what my passion was, what I wanted to be remembered for, if my own mother had had a passion, a career, a direction of her own. Not that I would necessarily have chosen the same path (probably not – I was a contrary kid), but I think it might have provided me with the motivation to find something for me. Knowing my mother, she’d probably agree with me.
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written by Amy , October 06, 2009
It's funny how the same experience can have such a different effect on different people. When reading Christina's article, I felt like I was reading a description of my own mother. She was a stay at home mom who never really pushed me to be career woman or domestic, but did love us very much. Growing up though I felt empowered by my mothers lack of career or educational achievements. It made every small win I experienced seem huge. Getting good grades, excelling in math and science, going to college..each event was something my mother, the smartest and most amazing woman I'd ever met, had never achieved. I was convinced I must be invincible, so I never doubted my choice to following my passion and pursue a degree in the male dominated field of computer engineering, then a career in the even more male dominated field of industrial automation, equipment design and software integration. When I look at a new piece of equipment or a robotic cell that I designed and programmed, I think of my mother. She made me feel like I could do anything, but always let me know that to her, I would always be her little girl. Thanks Mom, I love you and miss you.
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written by Alyson , October 08, 2009
The only one responsible for your happiness is you. The fact that you're looking for excuses is evidence that you have underlying issues you are not wanting to face. If what you have is not enough, then, stop looking for excuses and get off your butt and do something about it.

You should feel grateful that your mother accepted you for who you are and let you make your own way. Take it from someone who's perfect grades and overachievements were never enough for her mother - your mother is a gift.

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