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- Salary Negotiation Post - Retraction
- How Jenny Earned $15,000 on eBay
- Personal Account: Danielli, Part I
- The Fashionomics of Retail Begging
- 6 Steps to Better Pay
- Cheap, Quick Meals
- End the Superwoman Syndrome
- Rx for a Bloated Budget
- Create Other Income Streams
- Stop Wasting Time on Things That Will Never Make You Money
- The High Cost of Part-Time Work (+ working mom poll)
- Your (New & Improved?) Credit Card
- Prep for More Pay
- On Becoming a Financial Grown-up
- Challenge: Wear Just Six Things
- Personal Account: Gabrielle's Reflection on Worth
- Smash Student Loan Debt
I'm Spent - Confessions of One Tired Mom
By Amanda Steinberg Friday February 26, 2010
As the founder of DailyWorth, I have, perhaps, an abnormally obsessive determination to improve my financial standing. To me, that means growing my net worth.
On one front I've made significant progress:
Since resolving my Money Coma drama, I've made a serious shift in my life to build our "curveball account", i.e. savings to cover unexpected items like broken iPhones and split crowns.
This year alone, my husband and I have transferred a whopping $1,200 into that account, and I'm far less worried about money. Credit cards are no longer our back-up plan—our curveball account is. Thank you DailyWorth! (You're welcome.)
But lately I've realized that there's another barrier standing in the way of us taking our saving to the next level:
Our three-year-old son.
While I'm not blaming my child for my money problems, the truth is that my darling son knows how to push my financial buttons.
Here's how a typical conversation goes with my three-year-old:
Him: Mommy, I want a new yellow Power Ranger.
Me: You lost your yellow Power Ranger. Just because you lost it doesn't mean you have the right to buy a new one.
Him: Whyyyyyy?
Me: Because Power Rangers cost money. We don't have money for a new yellow Power Ranger.
Him: But Mommy. You go to work to make money so that we can go to Target and buy Power Rangers.
(Yes, dear readers, the explanation I gave him about why I work is coming back to bite me in the ass.) Now, at this point, all reason is lost:
Him: But I want a yellow Power Ranger. I NEED a yellow Power Ranger!!!!!!!!
Here's my confession. Rather than teach my three-year-old lessons in self-control—lessons in budgeting even—I often buy him things to quiet him, and calm myself.
From gummy candies at the supermarket to Power Rangers, I bet I spend about $30 a week to get him to just STOP THE WHINING. Is indulging him the best way to help him learn patience? No. Is spending a smart way to ease my frustration with him? No, it's a short-cut and not a cost-effective one, and I'm actively seeking a personal transformation.
Do you spend money to quell your anxiety (or prevent tantrums)—money that you could be saving? Leave your comment, insight or thoughts.
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Written by Carol, February 26, 2010
I totally sympathize, having two sons of my own who are now 13 and 9. And all I can say from this vantage point is that this "solution" to today's problems with your son will only COST you in the future. The whining doesn't go away and in fact worsens with age until it is quite unpleasant. So, now it seems the little guy is too small to understand delayed gratification. But what he is learning is that he gets you to buy him things, and probably more such as extend tv hour, get a pre-dinner snack, by using his grating voice. Don't fall for it! Grit your teeth and know you are helping him to develop character, and giving him a far better gift for life than a yellow Power Ranger.
Hang in there - no one ever said being a mom was easy or painless but you can do it!
Hang in there - no one ever said being a mom was easy or painless but you can do it!
Written by suzanneh, February 26, 2010
I had a similar problem with my daughter; so at age 5; I gave my daughter $5 a week. Everyone thought I was crazy to give such a young child so much; but I explained that she could buy anything she wanted; with the exception of candy which needed to be approved by me. For the first few months she spent it on awful trinkets that broke soon, and she was out of money in a day or so.
Fast foward a few months; when we were at Disneyland (we go often) she asked for a balloon. I explained that would need to come out of her money; of which she had about $12 saved up. My daughter went to the lady selling the balloons; asked how much they cost($7!); and my daughter said "That is too much for one balloon!" and she put her money away!
She is now 10 years old; and she has an excellent grasp on what things cost; and how long it takes to save up for an item. She actually now has more in her savings than I do; and she can tell you how much is in purse at all times.
I just wish I could go back in time and do the same thing for myself...I was late to the party learning about money!
Fast foward a few months; when we were at Disneyland (we go often) she asked for a balloon. I explained that would need to come out of her money; of which she had about $12 saved up. My daughter went to the lady selling the balloons; asked how much they cost($7!); and my daughter said "That is too much for one balloon!" and she put her money away!
She is now 10 years old; and she has an excellent grasp on what things cost; and how long it takes to save up for an item. She actually now has more in her savings than I do; and she can tell you how much is in purse at all times.
I just wish I could go back in time and do the same thing for myself...I was late to the party learning about money!
Written by Jaime, February 26, 2010
I don't have kids and I enjoy spoiling my niece and nephews occassionally, so no personal examples from me. One thing I have observed from my sisters though: my middle sister wanted to teach her son to value his toys. She'd spoiled him and bought him everything he wanted, always replaced broken toys, video games, etc and so his expectations were blown much higher than her income (she's been in debt nearly her entire adult life). So she started throwing away toys that she felt he didn't appreciate. Within a month, she was back to her old habits and buying him new toys.
Lesson learned: appreciate your toys even less because you never know when they're going to be taken away from you and who cares anyway because they'll be replaced if you just have the patience to whine about it enough.
Reminds me of the Dog Whisperer. Parents need to change their behaviors first and be consistent to effect change in their children.
Lesson learned: appreciate your toys even less because you never know when they're going to be taken away from you and who cares anyway because they'll be replaced if you just have the patience to whine about it enough.
Reminds me of the Dog Whisperer. Parents need to change their behaviors first and be consistent to effect change in their children.
Written by Margaret, February 26, 2010
Your problem is one that is common. Here is what I recommend, don't take your child shopping with you. Think of shopping as a Mommy outing only. This may be impossible for some Moms but it is a sure way to stop buying! Don't promise material items as rewards for good behavior or to stop whining. Instead promise experiences. This is my tried and true method used with four children and eleven grandchildren. Both of these work! My grandson asked me to buy him a pirate ship, well we had a terrific time making one out of paper and a stapler and pencil. He absolutely loved it and played with it like crazy. Was it Captain Jack's expensive model - no but it sure kept him busy and entertained. All our children really want is our time and attention and this will help your budget because it is free.
Written by Meghan, February 26, 2010
While I know this post was directed at parents I think it can also apply to those of us without children if we ask ourselves the question "what purchases are we making to stop our own tantrums, whining, or to make life easier even if it isn't the most cost-effective decision?"
I know I have had a bad day and become the victim of some very unnecessary "retail-therapy." I think there is a valuable lesson here for all of us.
As well, thank you for the welcome to all the new members, as we are one of them!
Meghan
www.BecomeIntertwined.com/weddings
I know I have had a bad day and become the victim of some very unnecessary "retail-therapy." I think there is a valuable lesson here for all of us.
As well, thank you for the welcome to all the new members, as we are one of them!
Meghan
www.BecomeIntertwined.com/weddings
Written by Lisa S, February 26, 2010
All good ideas. I agree with Carol. My sons are 9 and 12. The youngest was awful in the store and shopping was torture. Now, they know that when I say no once it is no and asking again will not change the answer to yes. You gotta break the habit early or it does indeed become a nightmare as they get older. Many older children gain a sense of entitlement because they always get what they want. As a teacher, I see that even come into play with grades on the college level.
Lisa
www.singleparentsavings.wordpress.com
Lisa
www.singleparentsavings.wordpress.com
Written by janny226, February 26, 2010
Allowance. He's a little young to really use it himself and make good choices, but you can set aside a budget for buying things for him each week, and keep that money in a special kids wallet or an envelope or mark it with a paperclip -- anything that will be easy for you to always carry around along with your other money. Talk with him about it, show it to him, tell him the plan ahead of time (not at a store), and then it becomes more of a fact of life. When he's older you can segue into him being in charge of it himself.
He's still going to whine, but you'll be able to say, "Well, we've spent $10 on fun things this week," and you'll feel less guilty not only b/c you know in black-and-white that you've spent $10 on him but also b/c you've got a fact-based, simple answer to repeat... as many times as it takes...
Plus, this way you still get to say "yes" sometimes. Start his "week" on whatever day you tend to most want to buy him stuff. My son loves the grocery store toys, for example.
He's still going to whine, but you'll be able to say, "Well, we've spent $10 on fun things this week," and you'll feel less guilty not only b/c you know in black-and-white that you've spent $10 on him but also b/c you've got a fact-based, simple answer to repeat... as many times as it takes...
Plus, this way you still get to say "yes" sometimes. Start his "week" on whatever day you tend to most want to buy him stuff. My son loves the grocery store toys, for example.
Written by AJW, February 26, 2010
Boy, is this ringing a bell for me. I have an 11-year-old daughter who learned many years ago the difference between wants and needs. An important lesson for all of us... We are not a particularly acquisitive family, and believe firmly in living below our means. But, the challenge now is the fact that so many of her friends are indulged with weekly trips to the mall, new clothes and electronic devices. We end up looking like Amish misers (no offense to the Amish community).
Even with years of careful and mindful teaching behind us we are still at what feels like square one these days. I think the biggest challenge for us is to help her value what she has adequately. This year we, for example, bought new skis--necessary because she had grown. They were the exact twin tip skis she was hoping for, came along with the necessary new boots and ski gear. All told, many hundreds of dollars... Yet what she focuses on is her friends' new shirts/skinny jeans/i-what-evers.
Would love to know how others are handling this with their young teens.
Even with years of careful and mindful teaching behind us we are still at what feels like square one these days. I think the biggest challenge for us is to help her value what she has adequately. This year we, for example, bought new skis--necessary because she had grown. They were the exact twin tip skis she was hoping for, came along with the necessary new boots and ski gear. All told, many hundreds of dollars... Yet what she focuses on is her friends' new shirts/skinny jeans/i-what-evers.
Would love to know how others are handling this with their young teens.
Written by Sarah, February 26, 2010
Like all children, mine went through the whining phase. We nixed it pretty quickly: if any one started whining in a store, we left immediately (very inconvenient to me and the child who was behaving, but it only took a few times for them to get the message). Before trips to the store I set clear expectations: if they wanted to look at toys that was fine, and they could (mentally) add them to their birthday or Christmas lists for consideration. That worked particularly well. Now that they are 6 and 8, they earn pocket money through a chore chart system - tokens are awarded, and they get to choose a 'prize' from a list that they helped me collect. For example, both have eagerly saved up 4 weeks of chores for $10 and an hour at the book or toy store with me to spend as they please. Or there are 'instant gratification' prizes like half an hour of TV/online games for a day's chores. It's hard not to give in to the whining, but the sooner you deal with it the better. Like another reader has found, generally it's your time and attention they want. Devoting time exclusively to help them also forces me to sit down and relax which isn't always easy to do between work and household needs! Thanks for the Daily Worth, it's very helpful.
Written by Leslie Moutsatsos, February 26, 2010
I am a mom of 3 kids, now aged 21, 20 & 16. I remember having many discussions and conversations with the kids before entering a store about why we were there, what we were going to purchase and not purchase prior to going in. For example, when I would do my grocery list I always asked the kids what they would like to have this week. I gave them 2 or 3 choices (that I wanted/needed to purchase anyhow)
and asked them to choose which one they most wanted. At check out if the whining was starting it was simply..."lets go and put back the special things that you wanted to buy (like cookies or snacks) and then you can have the gum/candy/ trinket". Sometimes they won , sometimes I won. The lesson took some time to get across, but they each learned that the "right now" gratification often meant losing out on a weeks worth of oreo's :)
As they got older, especially with clothing and "brand" name items, I always took them with me to purchase what they "needed"for clothing.... not necessarily what they "wanted" They each learned that the clothes don't make the person. They also learned that allowances, small jobs as teens, and part time jobs as students can bring those "needed" items to your personal inventory. They also learned that sometimes by the time you actually save up enough...the style changed, and it would have been a waste of $$ in the first place.
Happy parenting ! remember to always let your child break the hug first !
and asked them to choose which one they most wanted. At check out if the whining was starting it was simply..."lets go and put back the special things that you wanted to buy (like cookies or snacks) and then you can have the gum/candy/ trinket". Sometimes they won , sometimes I won. The lesson took some time to get across, but they each learned that the "right now" gratification often meant losing out on a weeks worth of oreo's :)
As they got older, especially with clothing and "brand" name items, I always took them with me to purchase what they "needed"for clothing.... not necessarily what they "wanted" They each learned that the clothes don't make the person. They also learned that allowances, small jobs as teens, and part time jobs as students can bring those "needed" items to your personal inventory. They also learned that sometimes by the time you actually save up enough...the style changed, and it would have been a waste of $$ in the first place.
Happy parenting ! remember to always let your child break the hug first !
Written by Carrie, February 26, 2010
I have an 11 year old daughter and a 9 year old son. My son seems to be more of a "I need that" kind of kid and it usually revolves around electronics. I thought that through modeling my habits and behaviors around money that it would rub off and I believe it does if not know but in the long run. I have one TV that is over 10 yrs old-No Wii, No play station and none of the other goods that they see at their friends houses and I have never heard a peep out of their mouths about wanting these items. I really have to force my daughter to go out clothes shopping because she has no interest in clothes. I am grateful that materialism has not saturated our lifestyle.
Written by Alysse Hennessey, February 26, 2010
My kids were not big whiners when they were little, we didn't go through the terrible two's. I'm not a "perfect mom", but I'm a conscious parent and may have some good tips to share.
Before we went in the store, I'd let them know what we would be doing there and the expectations I'd have of them. In the store we would have fun looking and playing with things without an emphasis on having everything we liked. The kids had a LIST on the fridge of things they were interested in, useful for upcoming birthdays, etc. We used it like this, "Mommy I LOVE this Clifford toy, can we buy it?" 'Not today, but we'll put it on your list at home, so when Grandma asks what you want for your birthday, we'll know what you REALLY want." That was very effective for them.
Spend less time shopping. I wonder if Americans spend too much time shopping as entertainment. Wander the malls on the weekend? It's over-stimulating for kids (and adults), and makes us want things we don't need.
Spend more time in nature. Children of all ages need exercise, freedom, fresh air and time in nature or at a park. When my kids were little, we got out every day for a walk, rain or shine (Oregon). They love to hike, walk on trails, climb trees, and observe animals.
Allowance. At age five, i started them on $2 a week allowance. I was afraid there could be endless battles over small plastic objects, or candy, and have been pleasantly surprised. They are decisive about what they REALLY want, and tend to save up for lego sets and good quality toys. When they save 1/2 the money, I chip in for the rest.
Carry snacks and books. When we went out, I always had a healthy snack on hand, and a books so there was little whining for things while waiting in line, etc. Preventing fussing is key.
Keep grown up errands down to two a day. Too many errands make all kids whiny. Two errands is a lot of in and out of the car and boring business for little ones.
Know that it's ok to leave if your child throws a tantrum over a toy. You've said "not today" and your child had a screaming fit about a toy. It's ok to leave the store immediately. Don't make the consequences punitive. Keep your emotions calm, treat the child gently but firmly and leave. "Sorry you are sad, but it's not acceptable to scream and hit, we are leaving now." And go even if you have to leave some things in your cart.
Lastly, be a good example. Show your kids how to save up for things you like. Talk about prices and money and how advertising makes us WANT things. What is THIS ad trying to get us to buy? Play shopping math games.
Before we went in the store, I'd let them know what we would be doing there and the expectations I'd have of them. In the store we would have fun looking and playing with things without an emphasis on having everything we liked. The kids had a LIST on the fridge of things they were interested in, useful for upcoming birthdays, etc. We used it like this, "Mommy I LOVE this Clifford toy, can we buy it?" 'Not today, but we'll put it on your list at home, so when Grandma asks what you want for your birthday, we'll know what you REALLY want." That was very effective for them.
Spend less time shopping. I wonder if Americans spend too much time shopping as entertainment. Wander the malls on the weekend? It's over-stimulating for kids (and adults), and makes us want things we don't need.
Spend more time in nature. Children of all ages need exercise, freedom, fresh air and time in nature or at a park. When my kids were little, we got out every day for a walk, rain or shine (Oregon). They love to hike, walk on trails, climb trees, and observe animals.
Allowance. At age five, i started them on $2 a week allowance. I was afraid there could be endless battles over small plastic objects, or candy, and have been pleasantly surprised. They are decisive about what they REALLY want, and tend to save up for lego sets and good quality toys. When they save 1/2 the money, I chip in for the rest.
Carry snacks and books. When we went out, I always had a healthy snack on hand, and a books so there was little whining for things while waiting in line, etc. Preventing fussing is key.
Keep grown up errands down to two a day. Too many errands make all kids whiny. Two errands is a lot of in and out of the car and boring business for little ones.
Know that it's ok to leave if your child throws a tantrum over a toy. You've said "not today" and your child had a screaming fit about a toy. It's ok to leave the store immediately. Don't make the consequences punitive. Keep your emotions calm, treat the child gently but firmly and leave. "Sorry you are sad, but it's not acceptable to scream and hit, we are leaving now." And go even if you have to leave some things in your cart.
Lastly, be a good example. Show your kids how to save up for things you like. Talk about prices and money and how advertising makes us WANT things. What is THIS ad trying to get us to buy? Play shopping math games.
Written by paula, February 26, 2010
I find this post distressing because of the values you are teaching your son. This isn't about saving or spending. It's not even about spoiling a child by giving him what he whines for. It's about self-gratification on the part of an adult--giving in to make your own life more comfortable. At 3, your son doesn't see this yet, but he's internalizing it. When he's older, don't be surprised if he goes against his own principles just to make his life easier.
Written by Jocelyn Almy-Testa, February 26, 2010
I totally make purchases to quiet the whining, although they are usually things like m&m's or some other little chocolate treat (we're a thin tribe). I don't buy them toys very often, but from time to time, I do surprise them and reward them for good behavior and let them pick out a little something on the way out of the store. At that point, I'm just so happy with them for being agreeable that it makes me feel good to give back to them. Sometimes hugs and kisses and thank you's make them just as happy.
Here's the thing- children used to be more independent. They could go play outside for hours and run errands by themselves at the corner store. We don't get a break now. With four children including a set of twins, our family pediatrician (also a father of four including a set of twins) advised us to do whatever we need to do to keep our sanity and family in tact. My style of achieving that goal is going to be different than another woman's. I have learned never to judge other's parenting skills over the past decade, because we never know the full story behind the decisions parents make in the privacy of their homes. I have also learned that sharing parenting tips and advice can get as messy as talking about politics or religion! So, with no guilt, if buying a bag of m&m's to keep them quiet through the store or buying a littlest pet shop on the way out to ward good behavior keeps me sane so I can be - if not cheerful, then less stressed, so be it!
Here's the thing- children used to be more independent. They could go play outside for hours and run errands by themselves at the corner store. We don't get a break now. With four children including a set of twins, our family pediatrician (also a father of four including a set of twins) advised us to do whatever we need to do to keep our sanity and family in tact. My style of achieving that goal is going to be different than another woman's. I have learned never to judge other's parenting skills over the past decade, because we never know the full story behind the decisions parents make in the privacy of their homes. I have also learned that sharing parenting tips and advice can get as messy as talking about politics or religion! So, with no guilt, if buying a bag of m&m's to keep them quiet through the store or buying a littlest pet shop on the way out to ward good behavior keeps me sane so I can be - if not cheerful, then less stressed, so be it!
Written by Karyn, February 26, 2010
I agree with all of the comments above. I especially like those of Suzanneh and Janny. I teach personal finance to kids and, although I normally would not recommend an allowance at three years old, there are always exceptions. An allowance is a powerful learning tool and will virtually eliminate the power struggles you are having. The key is to make sure you don't cave in. Set the rules, stick to it. Each time you resist the urge, you grow stronger. Pretty soon all those "episodes" will end. Also, absolutely no advances on allowance. Kids need to learn to live within their means. This also helps with budgeting later on. Good luck!!
Written by Stephaine, February 26, 2010
I do, my son is 3, trying to help him understand. He's not quite there yet developmentally. This is helping me to see we need a curveball account plus the emergency fund.
Written by Theresa, February 26, 2010
We are about to have our first child and I can already identify with this. I am a savings NUT. I want to save, I want to feel prepared for emergencies... but I probably spend $30 to quell my or my husband's anxiety weekly as well! From organic gummy bears to a frozen yogurt, it's so easy to say yes and it feels so good. This is a good reminder of patience and planning! Thank you!
Written by Marianna, February 26, 2010
When my daughter was a wee one,it seemed that anytime we were anywhere where candy or treats,or food of any sort was being sold,she needed to have it. Thankfully,this did change as she got older. She is 16, has a paper route, and is very good at saving money!
Written by C, February 26, 2010
I agree with Carol: Don't let the grating, whiny voice get to you. Kids learn very quickly what works, so do your best to nip that in the bud!
While I'm all about seizing the teachable moment, don't get into long, philosophical explanations on the spot. Kids also learn very quickly to negotiate if you let them. In the store while they have leverage (you need to get your errands done, other people could be watching your child have a fit, etc.) is not the place to do this. I think "Because I said so right now and I will explain to you later" is a perfectly acceptable answer. But be sure you can back it up later and are always, always working to build trust with your child so that they know you aren't using "Because I said so" irrationally.
I also thought Meghan had an excellent point about retail-therapy to appease our inner child. I am most guilty of picking up something for dinner because "I'm tooooooo tiiiiiiiiiired to cook!" I will definitey work harder at being the grown-up who makes a menu and does the grocery shopping so I have what I need to make dinner, rather than being the child who just doesn't wanna.
While I'm all about seizing the teachable moment, don't get into long, philosophical explanations on the spot. Kids also learn very quickly to negotiate if you let them. In the store while they have leverage (you need to get your errands done, other people could be watching your child have a fit, etc.) is not the place to do this. I think "Because I said so right now and I will explain to you later" is a perfectly acceptable answer. But be sure you can back it up later and are always, always working to build trust with your child so that they know you aren't using "Because I said so" irrationally.
I also thought Meghan had an excellent point about retail-therapy to appease our inner child. I am most guilty of picking up something for dinner because "I'm tooooooo tiiiiiiiiiired to cook!" I will definitey work harder at being the grown-up who makes a menu and does the grocery shopping so I have what I need to make dinner, rather than being the child who just doesn't wanna.
Written by Erin D., February 26, 2010
I had the same conversation with my 3-year-old boy the other day. (Not about Power Rangers but it involved a trip to Target.) It made me stop and consider how I can take advantage of this opportunity to show him a healthy way to approach money and spending. I haven't sorted it all out yet, but it was one of those "ah ha" moments that gave me pause and now I'm more aware of what I'm saying aloud and what boundaries I'm setting with him.
We have a pretty good system for Target. If I take him shopping there, we usually spend a good deal of time getting things he's not at all interested in (cleaning supplies and such) so I allow extra time to play in the toy section. He's good about not asking for things because for him, it's just a place to play. If he's good, and follows the behavior boundaries we set before going into the store, we go to the "special toys" a.k.a. the dollar rack. He loves to look at the stuff there and we have a good time picking the one special item we get to bring home. It's a dollar I don't mind spending.
We have a pretty good system for Target. If I take him shopping there, we usually spend a good deal of time getting things he's not at all interested in (cleaning supplies and such) so I allow extra time to play in the toy section. He's good about not asking for things because for him, it's just a place to play. If he's good, and follows the behavior boundaries we set before going into the store, we go to the "special toys" a.k.a. the dollar rack. He loves to look at the stuff there and we have a good time picking the one special item we get to bring home. It's a dollar I don't mind spending.
Written by Rosanna Mangone, February 26, 2010
I do not!!! I have twin 7 year old boys and a 21 month old daughter. From the get go I refused to buy them anything when we are out. The boys know they are not getting a thing unless it is a special occassion like their birthay or Christmas. I give them a very nice birthday every year (this year was the last one they will get) and they even know that the party is our gift to them. They have so much stuff and do not need more junk (as I call it). It makes life easier for all of us and in more ways than just financially. Who needs a house full of crap. Julia is starting the I want I want mantra in the stores now and I will not give in. She is over it in a few minutes. To all those with small children go through the pain now!!!! They want more and more and the items are more expenive as they get older. I constantly remind my children how blessed we are (not easy because they are still spoiled with piano lesson, skiing, Tae Kwon Do, museum outings etc). It is getting harder because all the the other kids have all these expensive gadgets. I try to instill the value of money the best I can. We are tight this year and we took a home vacation. I told them that the goal now is to save as much as we can so we can go to Mexico at the end of August (off season and so cheap). They want to go so badly they are saving every penny they find. I hope we can go in August so they can see first hand what saving and delayed satifaction gets. It is so much better than another plastic thing made in China! My suggestions when they whine, offer to make cupcakes or brownies with them, a bike ride, extra 15 minutes to watch tv (although this is not necessary). If I want to spoil my children a bit I may take them on an outing like bowling or ice skating. I would rather spend $20 on a fun time than a plastic toy!
Written by She, February 26, 2010
Word of warning....QUIT NOW! Or by the time they are 16 the $30 turns into a $100. I'm speaking from experience here.....
Written by Kate, February 26, 2010
Ohhhh... I am so there with you, Amanda. Except my little guys vice is Hot Wheels. It's an inexpensive indulgence ($0.98 each), there are no fits or whining, he's happy and I can shop without stress. Now we have over 50 of them, and he only plays with a certain two. Needless to say, I need to bite this one in the bud as well!
Great posts today, and I'm looking forward to trying the list and/or weekly budget trick once he has a better concept of money (he's only 2 years old). Still, I need to squash this instant-gratification thing before it becomes a real problem. (To see his sweet little face and hear his "Pleeeeze, Mama?" though? Ugh. I am now dreading the next trip to Target!!)
Great posts today, and I'm looking forward to trying the list and/or weekly budget trick once he has a better concept of money (he's only 2 years old). Still, I need to squash this instant-gratification thing before it becomes a real problem. (To see his sweet little face and hear his "Pleeeeze, Mama?" though? Ugh. I am now dreading the next trip to Target!!)
Written by Tracy Kirk, February 26, 2010
This is a great example of 'everything in moderation, including moderation'. Overall, if we as parents can take the high road and be consistent it won't wreck our kids' characters if we have a weak moment here and there. This applies whether it is making them clean their own rooms when it is easier to do it ourselves, choosing to buy a toy or not, or deciding whether a teenager can go to a concert on a school night. For those of you with youngsters, I can definitely vouch for the long term benefit of standing firm now. It will pay off ten-fold when they are teens and in college, making decisions for themselves.
Written by Kate, February 26, 2010
P.S. - Yes, I just went back and re-read what I wrote, realizing I now have $50 in Hot Wheels that could have went into a curveball fund... UGH!
Kudos to you on improving yours!!
Kudos to you on improving yours!!
Written by Np4175, February 26, 2010
Children do not know how much something costs. They just want their "whatever". Take them to the dollar store and give them a 1, that's one dollar. Tell them they can buy whatever they like. Or, start going green and take them to tag/flea/garage sales and give them that same $1. Adults and children need to learn the value of that $1 and simply stop throwing away money and filling up our land fills. I instruct a de-clutter class. Prior to bringing the new 'whatever' into the house...3 'whatevers' need to leave. Children cannot play w/umteen toys. Purge, purge, purge!
Written by Alysse Hennessey, February 26, 2010
What great stories everyone is sharing! Amanda, you rock for writing your experience.
Written by Cyn, February 26, 2010
I have two boys, now 7 and 4, but they both went through a whining phase. There were days I was so tired that I would do almost anything to stop that sound! But you realize that your actions teach your children SO much more than your words.
Written by Yolanda, February 26, 2010
I feel your pain!!! I came up with a solution for the whining "I need it" and my frustration from listening to said whining. I would purchase things at my discretion and hold them until I needed to fill a whining hole! I would also save gifts from Christmas or birthdays if I felt like my kid had too many gifts at that time. I think that now that my son is older, he still half expects that mommy will have something fun to play with hidden in the closet!
Written by Paula / Monroe on a Budget, February 26, 2010
Don't take preschoolers to the store. Little kids don't have the ability to understand your long-range plans, and you don't need the aggravation when you say "no." I was divorced / single from the time my daughter was 1 until she was almost 5. I was on a very tight budget in those days and could not afford extras. I did my shopping and banking errands on lunch break, between work and picking her up from sitter, when I could take the daughter to grandma's, when she was visiting her dad. Therefore I could take the time to coupon and comparison shop -- and the girl never knew what was in the store that I didn't bring home.
Written by Suzanne, February 26, 2010
First, kudos to you for the honesty, both for recognizing the problem and for sharing it with all of us! Secondly, I attended a talk by Madeleine Levine (author of The Price of Privilege) this week and she talked about how important it is for children to develop coping skills. They need to learn how to deal with frustration and also develop the ability for delayed gratification. By giving in to his whining, you've taught him that if he is annoying and persistent enough, you will give in. He'll get exactly what he wants when he wants. This is setting him up for a tough time later in life, likely with debt to pay for all the things he wants to buy.
Madeleine Levine also said that it's important for parents to let their children be unhappy and not get upset by it. My 5 year old boy is a champion whiner and it is incredibly grating. But I hang on in there because I know that if I give in, I'll pay the price over and over again. I use the phrase "You can keep on crying and moaning all you want, but I'm not going to change my answer. I'm still going to say No." And I stick to it, although it's a close thing sometimes as I really want the whining to end!!! Also, I empathize with him repeating back what he is saying "You really want that toy. I know." so that he knows I'm listening.
I'm also with several other moms - we don't buy things (treats like toys and candy) for the kids when we are out shopping and have never done so. We take full advantage of the Kids Club in some supermarkets where they can get free snacks, but that's it. My boys (I have an 8 year old as well) now both have allowances which they split into spending, saving and charity boxes. When they want something, we often tell them they can use their own money. Sometimes they do and sometimes they decide it's not worth it. We started the allowance in Kindergarten and also introduced chores at the same time (but not a pay for chore version - the allowance and chores are both because they are big enough to contribute to the family by helping around the house and also manage some money of their own).
Bottom line: now is the time to change both your behaviors and you've got the tougher task. But that's parenthood, right?!
Madeleine Levine also said that it's important for parents to let their children be unhappy and not get upset by it. My 5 year old boy is a champion whiner and it is incredibly grating. But I hang on in there because I know that if I give in, I'll pay the price over and over again. I use the phrase "You can keep on crying and moaning all you want, but I'm not going to change my answer. I'm still going to say No." And I stick to it, although it's a close thing sometimes as I really want the whining to end!!! Also, I empathize with him repeating back what he is saying "You really want that toy. I know." so that he knows I'm listening.
I'm also with several other moms - we don't buy things (treats like toys and candy) for the kids when we are out shopping and have never done so. We take full advantage of the Kids Club in some supermarkets where they can get free snacks, but that's it. My boys (I have an 8 year old as well) now both have allowances which they split into spending, saving and charity boxes. When they want something, we often tell them they can use their own money. Sometimes they do and sometimes they decide it's not worth it. We started the allowance in Kindergarten and also introduced chores at the same time (but not a pay for chore version - the allowance and chores are both because they are big enough to contribute to the family by helping around the house and also manage some money of their own).
Bottom line: now is the time to change both your behaviors and you've got the tougher task. But that's parenthood, right?!
Written by SingleMomof3Boys, February 26, 2010
I agree that you are very courageous to share your story with all of us! Personally, I have always been pretty strict on my boys when it comes to shopping trips. The whining needs to be "nipped in the bud!" Now when they see a new paintball gun or the xbox game-du-jour, they ask what chores they can do around the house/yard that will bring their pocket money up to the price.
Written by Chris Moss, February 26, 2010
I did not even realize I was doing it when he was young! Now he's 27 YEARS OLD and I still get caught in the financial peacekeeping trap! Nip it now! It is waaaaaay easier!
Written by Patti , February 26, 2010
My daughter is three, and she hasn't really picked up on the concept of money and buying stuff. She sees things in stores that interest her, but she has never asked me to buy anything for her. I guess she will figure it out soon enough. I hope to have the strength not to travel down that road. Once you do it once ... But I do get mom fatigue all the time and have done many, many things I thought I shouldn't just to keep the peace.
Written by Tara, February 26, 2010
I used to be one of those people who thought, "Ughhhh, another mom spoiling her kid rotten" whenever I heard a story like this one. Then I got married and ended up with a stepdaughter. Not only did I suddenly start to understand how much easier it was in the short term to say, "Okay, okay, I'll buy it!" but the fact that she doesn't live with my husband and I makes it all the more tempting to satisfy her seemingly never-ending "need" for material things. So I empathize. My technique for weaning myself (and my stepdaughter) off the spending sprees (which are fairly tame but a drain on my savings nonetheless) is to ask myself, "How is this product going to (or not going to) add to the quality of her life?" Remarkably, it works pretty well - if my answer is, "Well, she'll love me more," I mentally kick myself and remember that the kid's probably going to love me more because I play games with her than because I buy things. And if my answer is, "She'll learn something from it and won't outgrow it anytime soon," I just may splurge.
Written by Mel, February 26, 2010
don't beat yourself up over giving in on occasion - sometimes life is just too hard, and your head is pounding, and they can be SO annoying! on the other hand, I agree w/ all the posts about starting an allowance of some kind, even at that age. we did it w/ my daughter (now almost 13) at about age 5. if she wanted something at Target, and I said it had to come out of her money, suddenly she was a much more discriminating shopper. of course, I was mean, she hated me, no other mothers did this, yada yada yada. she somehow managed to continue on w/ life. this year, we doubled her monthly allowance to $50/month (monthly so she has a bigger pool to allocate). may seem like a lot, but we told her all of her pizza & Starbucks outings and movies w/ friends had to come out of the allowance. I was tired of forking over $20 every time she wanted to go somewhere. she now has a system, developed completely on her own, that sounds very much like the savings system you had on the site earlier this week. she physically has 3 different wallets: one is her "Friday" wallet for the outings after school; one is her "Laptop" wallet - that is her big savings goal; and I think the third is her "shopping" wallet for clothes, etc. she is now starting to babysit, so she can earn some extra income for that laptop she is so deadset on buying. I still buy her some things, of course, like the dress for her friend's bar mitzvah. but you would not believe how much more appreciative she is of those purchases. hang in there! and now if only I could separate my "wallets" better . . . .
Written by Cathy Coate, February 26, 2010
Wow! I love reading all the responses!! (And I LOVE Daily Worth).
Three year olds aren't developmentally capable of understanding explanations, rational reasoning or money. None of this really kicks in until 3rd-7th grade. I agree with the "just say no" comments. Back in the day to save my sanity, I rarely took my young kids to any store under any circumstances unless it was right after a nap. My 17 year old can still press my shopping buttons, but at least she has become a terrific money-earner herself and buys most of her own stuff.
Three year olds aren't developmentally capable of understanding explanations, rational reasoning or money. None of this really kicks in until 3rd-7th grade. I agree with the "just say no" comments. Back in the day to save my sanity, I rarely took my young kids to any store under any circumstances unless it was right after a nap. My 17 year old can still press my shopping buttons, but at least she has become a terrific money-earner herself and buys most of her own stuff.
Written by Rachel Linquist, February 26, 2010
I must admit, I, too, succumb to the whining and buy my two year old some little trinket to keep him happy. Usually it's just so that I can get my errand done in peace. I am trying to get away from this habit for the sake of his development, but so far it hasn't be much of a financial hardship, because when I do give in, it is at the thrift store or the dollar store. So a buck or two a week isn't hurting. But I do need to find another way so that he can learn he won't get what he wants by whining!
Written by Mary-Jo Dionne, February 26, 2010
I don't have a human-child, but I can safely say that milkbones are to dog-kids what power-rangers are to human-ones. I keep a bowl of them by my desk, so that I can cease the barking. At just $2.87 per box, they're an affordable solution. I'm just not sure your son will dig them quite as much. :)
Written by dreamcatcher, February 26, 2010
Hello Dailyworth readers,
I can relate to you all that have the spending to stop the whining, I do the same thing with my children, just to stop them from whining I will buy them what they "need".
I do not take my kids shopping for this reason, I am one of the lucky ones, I have a aunt that love the children and keeps them in exchange for whatever, sometimes is gracious enough to take a monetary payment.
As for items that they want, such as my son wants a PS3. Ugh! That's a hefty item, he is only 11 years old. I have tried to buy him video game systems in the past at an affordable price, for christmas and birthdays, but he has shown me that he is not responsible enough for more expensive items like a PS3. So I find creative ways to say no, but it has worked to my advantage so far. He has gotten into some trouble with stealing, so I tell him not until you paid in full what you have stolen will I even consider buying anything of value for you. And then even tho, he would have to gain back the trust.
My oldest daughter is 16 years old. I make her work for everything. Even her monthly allowance. She gets nothing for free. Just her shelter, food and clothing, her main neccessities.
The two youngest ones, I don't give any money to them. The 9 year old i entered into a contest of selling tickets to raise funds for an event. I controlled all the money though. She just sold the tickets.
My 3 year old has no responsibility whatsoever, just learning about self care. brushing her teeth, washing her hands, wiping her spills at lunch, tying her shoes, etc. Money has no meaning to her. There is no value. She sees it and thinks "Money!" but doesn't understand what it is used for. I long for the days when I didn't know what money was.
But my goal is to teach each of my children how to budget money before they reach the age where I must let them fly the coop. My oldest helps me look over the bills each month. The rest will come in as they get older.
I guess to each there own. I am not perfect mom. But I am trying to get my family involved one way or another in the budgeting.
have a good day.
I can relate to you all that have the spending to stop the whining, I do the same thing with my children, just to stop them from whining I will buy them what they "need".
I do not take my kids shopping for this reason, I am one of the lucky ones, I have a aunt that love the children and keeps them in exchange for whatever, sometimes is gracious enough to take a monetary payment.
As for items that they want, such as my son wants a PS3. Ugh! That's a hefty item, he is only 11 years old. I have tried to buy him video game systems in the past at an affordable price, for christmas and birthdays, but he has shown me that he is not responsible enough for more expensive items like a PS3. So I find creative ways to say no, but it has worked to my advantage so far. He has gotten into some trouble with stealing, so I tell him not until you paid in full what you have stolen will I even consider buying anything of value for you. And then even tho, he would have to gain back the trust.
My oldest daughter is 16 years old. I make her work for everything. Even her monthly allowance. She gets nothing for free. Just her shelter, food and clothing, her main neccessities.
The two youngest ones, I don't give any money to them. The 9 year old i entered into a contest of selling tickets to raise funds for an event. I controlled all the money though. She just sold the tickets.
My 3 year old has no responsibility whatsoever, just learning about self care. brushing her teeth, washing her hands, wiping her spills at lunch, tying her shoes, etc. Money has no meaning to her. There is no value. She sees it and thinks "Money!" but doesn't understand what it is used for. I long for the days when I didn't know what money was.
But my goal is to teach each of my children how to budget money before they reach the age where I must let them fly the coop. My oldest helps me look over the bills each month. The rest will come in as they get older.
I guess to each there own. I am not perfect mom. But I am trying to get my family involved one way or another in the budgeting.
have a good day.
Written by dreamcatcher, February 26, 2010
Hello Dailyworth readers,
I can relate to you all that have the spending to stop the whining, I do the same thing with my children, just to stop them from whining I will buy them what they "need".
I do not take my kids shopping for this reason, I am one of the lucky ones, I have a aunt that love the children and keeps them in exchange for whatever, sometimes is gracious enough to take a monetary payment.
As for items that they want, such as my son wants a PS3. Ugh! That's a hefty item, he is only 11 years old. I have tried to buy him video game systems in the past at an affordable price, for christmas and birthdays, but he has shown me that he is not responsible enough for more expensive items like a PS3. So I find creative ways to say no, but it has worked to my advantage so far. He has gotten into some trouble with stealing, so I tell him not until you paid in full what you have stolen will I even consider buying anything of value for you. And then even tho, he would have to gain back the trust.
My oldest daughter is 16 years old. I make her work for everything. Even her monthly allowance. She gets nothing for free. Just her shelter, food and clothing, her main neccessities.
The two youngest ones, I don't give any money to them. The 9 year old i entered into a contest of selling tickets to raise funds for an event. I controlled all the money though. She just sold the tickets.
My 3 year old has no responsibility whatsoever, just learning about self care. brushing her teeth, washing her hands, wiping her spills at lunch, tying her shoes, etc. Money has no meaning to her. There is no value. She sees it and thinks "Money!" but doesn't understand what it is used for. I long for the days when I didn't know what money was.
But my goal is to teach each of my children how to budget money before they reach the age where I must let them fly the coop. My oldest helps me look over the bills each month. The rest will come in as they get older.
I guess to each there own. I am not perfect mom. But I am trying to get my family involved one way or another in the budgeting.
have a good day.
I can relate to you all that have the spending to stop the whining, I do the same thing with my children, just to stop them from whining I will buy them what they "need".
I do not take my kids shopping for this reason, I am one of the lucky ones, I have a aunt that love the children and keeps them in exchange for whatever, sometimes is gracious enough to take a monetary payment.
As for items that they want, such as my son wants a PS3. Ugh! That's a hefty item, he is only 11 years old. I have tried to buy him video game systems in the past at an affordable price, for christmas and birthdays, but he has shown me that he is not responsible enough for more expensive items like a PS3. So I find creative ways to say no, but it has worked to my advantage so far. He has gotten into some trouble with stealing, so I tell him not until you paid in full what you have stolen will I even consider buying anything of value for you. And then even tho, he would have to gain back the trust.
My oldest daughter is 16 years old. I make her work for everything. Even her monthly allowance. She gets nothing for free. Just her shelter, food and clothing, her main neccessities.
The two youngest ones, I don't give any money to them. The 9 year old i entered into a contest of selling tickets to raise funds for an event. I controlled all the money though. She just sold the tickets.
My 3 year old has no responsibility whatsoever, just learning about self care. brushing her teeth, washing her hands, wiping her spills at lunch, tying her shoes, etc. Money has no meaning to her. There is no value. She sees it and thinks "Money!" but doesn't understand what it is used for. I long for the days when I didn't know what money was.
But my goal is to teach each of my children how to budget money before they reach the age where I must let them fly the coop. My oldest helps me look over the bills each month. The rest will come in as they get older.
I guess to each there own. I am not perfect mom. But I am trying to get my family involved one way or another in the budgeting.
have a good day.
Written by MBell, February 26, 2010
Amanda's story could be my story. I did the same thing when my kid was little, while telling myself just once in awhile won't hurt, but it happened a lot more than once in a while. Then it truly did become just once in awhile as he got older, less whining and no tantrums. Now he's 10 and when he wants something, he has to buy it himself with his allowance or birthday money.
Written by Varenikje, February 26, 2010
I will admit that when my children were very young, I did occasionally go to the grocery store and leave them at home with dad (usually asleep). And I did not take them to the mall with me to shop for clothes for me because they were simply too young to wait for as long as they would have had to wait while I tried on sweaters. That being said, they did go shopping with me when they were fairly young. My oldest child is five and a half years older than his youngest sister. I had 4 children. I'll let you do the math. I did teach my children a couple of things about being in a store. One thing was that they were not allowed to spend money that wasn't theirs on things in the store. Children generally don't have a lot of money (with them or not) so that quieted them some. They were also not allowed to choose where we were going to look in the store. If we didn't have time for the toy shop, then we didn't go. Although we did occasionally spend more than the average length of time in a toy shop, pet store or candy shop because they wanted to (and probably had the money). I carefully considered if I was going to have money to go to the candy shop, if they would ask. I said "yes" or "no" and never changed my mind (well - almost never). That is an important thing to remember: as best as you can, never change your mind. And if there is some good reason to change your mind, do so, but then explain to the children why you are changing it. For example, if we were at the mall and about to leave and suddenly Daddy showed up, the children would understand that maybe now, our plans would change. With these rules in place, shopping with my children was a pleasure for them and for me. It is a good idea to teach your children at a fairly early age how money works. Having them earn some of their money (not exorbitant amounts, but some) is a good idea. My children are now 21 through 26 years old.
Written by Krislyn, February 26, 2010
Okay, here is how that conversation went when I was a kid:
Me: Mommy I want (enter item here)
Mom: What's it like to want?
Me: Please?
Mom: I said no. Now stop whining.
That's it. I stopped whining because my mom told me to. It's not like my mom was some crazy totalitarian mother or something but, honestly she was the boss and as a kid I had to understand that. She didn't need to give a reason. Usually, she confessed to me later, the reason was she couldn't afford it. But, often she thought I didn't need said item. I needed to learn to deal with not having what I want when I wanted it.
I feel I really learned that lesson and it helped me when I was older. I have NEVER had extra money. Never. But, I don't feel that pain others seem to have about not getting something immediately. I learned to do without.
Me: Mommy I want (enter item here)
Mom: What's it like to want?
Me: Please?
Mom: I said no. Now stop whining.
That's it. I stopped whining because my mom told me to. It's not like my mom was some crazy totalitarian mother or something but, honestly she was the boss and as a kid I had to understand that. She didn't need to give a reason. Usually, she confessed to me later, the reason was she couldn't afford it. But, often she thought I didn't need said item. I needed to learn to deal with not having what I want when I wanted it.
I feel I really learned that lesson and it helped me when I was older. I have NEVER had extra money. Never. But, I don't feel that pain others seem to have about not getting something immediately. I learned to do without.
Written by Kenia, February 26, 2010
ok, so interesting observation...(I really hope no one is offended because I truly mean no disrespect), but this DailyWorth article has an overwhelming response in the form of comments (40+ at the time I'm writing this!) and it tops the number of responses compared to previous DailyWorth articles. Naturally, as women, we are drawn to this article because it pertains to the subject of motherhood. Even if you don't have children, or don't want any, this is a subject all of us can generally relate to. And while motherhood is a wonderful and worthwhile subject (and, unfortunately, a highly undervalued position in society), I feel it's an area in which women are already overly competent since it is a natural strength, and we need to focus more energy on our weaknesses (namely, other subjects written about in other articles). I honestly think I'm noticing something important here, psychologically, that, if pointed out, could help make DailyWorth readers more self-aware of their subconsciously (or consciously) avoiding commenting on, and participating in, discussions with regards to other subjects that are more technical or 'masculine' (i.e. more stereo-typically male subjects such as investing, entrepreneurship, business, negotiating, etc.). We women are so smart and capable, I think we could see more of that potential by making a little more effort to step out of our comfort zones. When I see the potential to have 40+ comments on an article, but it only happens on one pertaining to motherhood, I am left scratching my head, and wondering why women in general are confused as to why we aren't getting ahead more in society at a faster pace. While indeed there are many external societal obstacles for us to yet overcome (many of those being out of our control), we still need to push ourselves harder because that, my sisters, is what we DO have control over, and what will bring about change.
Written by CM, February 26, 2010
I have TREMENDOUS respect for the honesty I see on these comments. The fact is, our WORST financial decisions are the emotional ones. Frankly, I consider it America's economic epidemic. (Yes, I am also guilty. I know few Americans who are not.) Somewhere, somehow, we as a culture bought into the financial messages that established us as irrational, emotional, impulse-driven consumers instead of rational, critical, wealth creators entering a fair economic exchange. We allowed the market place to define our role with it instead of defining it for ourselves. Where and when is by now irrelevant. Here we are. The next question is... what will we do about it? How will be build a value structure that is based on fair, critical, and reflective financial decision making as opposed to impulsive gratification seeking? The decision we make today will affect thousands of tomorrows. We can't afford not to consider how to be more considerate spenders. Step one: my friends, NO MORE GUILT SPENDING. When they whine (grandchildren here) hug them, kiss them, and tell them you are sorry they are disappointed, and that they are important with or without the *insert consumable item*. And then let them be disappointed for awhile. Your kindness means more to them then the *insert consumable item.* Enough hugs and kisses, and they'll handle disappointment without hanging their sense of their value and distinction on *insert consumable item*. Now, that doesn't mean you NEVER indulge, that just means you discuss, reflect on and make DECISIONS about when and when not to indulge. If we LEARN TO DIALOGUE with our children in terms of FINANCIAL DECISION MAKING rather than just being the bad guy or the hero, then we've invited a healthier relationship then the beg/whine/cave continuum that has become so common. Tough? DANG YES! But we can be compassionate about their disappointment without compromising our bottom line. They are safe, they are happy. Let's think that every time the guilt hits, and kiss, kiss, kiss them.
Written by Lara, February 26, 2010
Did any of you grow up watching Little House on the Prairie, or reading the books? My parents used them as a teaching tool on this subject.
Me: I want [x, y or z]
Parent: Did Laura Ingalls have it?
Me: -- silence --
Parent: You don't need it, then.
Me: I want [x, y or z]
Parent: Did Laura Ingalls have it?
Me: -- silence --
Parent: You don't need it, then.
Written by Tara Spicer, February 26, 2010
I have a 4 year old and a 5 year old... I too went through the 'money well spent' in whinge avoidance... but with my husbands encouragement and example, I toned this down a bit and became the mid stream buying gifts sometimes and not at other times (when I had more energy - always choose your battles at the time you have the energy to fight them!. When I didn't have the energy for a battle of wills, I would buy the toy, and when I did I would robotically say "we don't have the money for that but let's put it on your wish list.. it will still be here for you, waiting" and if she remembered and still wanted it on another day and if I had the money, I would buy it for her. I thought that this would backfire and seem inconsistent, but it has in fact worked in my favour! Now my daughter doesn't even ask for things she wants she just simply says "Mummy when we have the money for it, I would like to buy this toy". How fabulous... at the moment I don't have to stress when we go shopping. BUT, I DO buy both my kids lots of presents, maybe something each week or at least each fortnight, even just a groovey little pen or something, but when they are not expecting it or asking for it I just turn up with it. I think it nurtures a sense of plentitude and I like to hide little gifts in a cupboard for when they are playing really well together and not fighting on a Saturday morning to surprise them with. o far it is working well.
Written by Tara Spicer, February 26, 2010
I also, in reading the above articles, just wanted to say that I DON"T think that motherhood is a natural strength as opposed to the other areas discussed in the daily worth articles... it is just that we have no choice but to hone these skills at ever living moment, none of it comes naturally... in my opinion, but if we don't master it at every level at every moment we are judged by every passer by and by the behaviour of our kids... the pressure and public judgement and cost of doing it poorly is just too intense to get it wrong! Financial mismanagement is more widely acceptable than parenting mismanagement!
Written by malinda, February 26, 2010
Being a stay at home mom and having only one income really has an advantage in this area. We simply don't have the money to buy things just because we want them. Our teenagers are tight with their money as well and love to go to re-sale shops so that they can have brand name items. If my kids want something for their birthdays or Christmas they look at the ads to find it on sale before they ask for it. If my younger kids want a special candy or sweet treat they look in my coupon binder to see what we have a coupon for. You really need to make debt repulsive to your kids so that they can avoid that trap when they get older.
Written by Molly Bullard, February 26, 2010
What I did was give the kids an allowance and then circled a day on the calendar 1x/month that we would go shopping. The day was usually near a siblings birthday so the other kids got something new around the time a sibling was getting a lot. On that day they could decide to buy something with the money they had or save their money. Like another post, my kids bought the cheap $3 toys that broke in the car and learned that saving until the next month would give them time to earn enough for what they really wanted. It took me (mom) out of the process completely so I was no longer the bad guy - ahhh.
Written by Priya Bradfield, February 26, 2010
Wow, I love what Lara said about her mom using the Little House books as a teaching tool! If only I could get my girls to read those though. They are more into the Harry Potter/Percy Jackson books. My older one tried to read one of the Little House books and said it was boring. :-(
Written by Mrs Sunshine, February 26, 2010
No. I do not and never did. My daughter knew from the beginning that whinning would not get her anything. We bought what we planned to buy when we went to the store. Sometimes she got things she saw on the spot but never by whinning for it--she found out early on that whinning would get the item put back on the shelf.
Written by CCK, February 26, 2010
My daughter (now 6) began asking for toys/stuff at about 3. Christmas was coming so I told her to put it on her list. "I can put it on my list? Oh, thank you mommy." was the reply. Three years later we are constantly putting things on her (unwritten) list. I do not have to say no and I do not have to buy the item. As she is getting older, I do point out if she is asking for something that she already has, something that is too old/young for her, etc. Because these conversations are rare, there is less chance that it will end in a tug of war conversation. It is just nice not to have to say no all the time.
Written by JD Chic, February 26, 2010
I can empathize with you because, unfortunately, I am guilty of making similar purchases to appease my two year old. I'm learning to say no a little more, but it is definitely a challenge. I'm such a sucker for my son's big brown eyes and I think he knows it and uses it to his advantage! Great post.
JD Chic
http://cornerofficechic.wordpress.com
JD Chic
http://cornerofficechic.wordpress.com
Written by Slee, February 26, 2010
I don't remember my earliest years, and I don't have any children of my own - this comes from what I was taught from my parents from at least the age of seven through my teens. I grew up in a farm family, and there wasn't a lot of disposable income. However, as is common for farm families, everyone works on the farm, according to age/abilities. So, by the age of seven I was helping out in the packing house, and earning money for it. We also had weekly chores and got a small allowance for it. As a result, whenever I asked my parents if I could have something when we were out shopping, the inevitable reply was: If you have the money for it you can buy it. There wasn't a lot of drama around this, it was very matter of fact, for which I'm very grateful today. I grew up learning to pay my own way, to save for what I wanted, and an aversion to debt.
I've heard from friends of mine with teenagers, and my younger sister who has two in college, about their struggles with getting their teens to be financially responsible, and to appreciate what they've been given. All of them are upper-middle class families, who didn't see a reason to have their children do chores or get jobs, and bought much of whatever they asked for. I haven't been surprised by their current struggles to teach their teens how to be more responsible - the sooner you start, the sooner it gets easier.
And lastly I'd like to say that chances are that if you're having difficulties around money with you kids, it might have to do with what your parents taught you. It's a good thing to look at and see what makes sense to you know, rather than unconsciously continuing a pattern. One of my friends grew up with a very manipulative mother, who used money to control her. In reaction & wanting to not do what her mother did to her, my friend has given her kids a lot without much hesitation. Now she's struggling to deal with their sense of entitlement - especially a challenge now when they've seen their income shrink.
Good luck to all of you dealing with this - it's a challenge, and an important one.
I've heard from friends of mine with teenagers, and my younger sister who has two in college, about their struggles with getting their teens to be financially responsible, and to appreciate what they've been given. All of them are upper-middle class families, who didn't see a reason to have their children do chores or get jobs, and bought much of whatever they asked for. I haven't been surprised by their current struggles to teach their teens how to be more responsible - the sooner you start, the sooner it gets easier.
And lastly I'd like to say that chances are that if you're having difficulties around money with you kids, it might have to do with what your parents taught you. It's a good thing to look at and see what makes sense to you know, rather than unconsciously continuing a pattern. One of my friends grew up with a very manipulative mother, who used money to control her. In reaction & wanting to not do what her mother did to her, my friend has given her kids a lot without much hesitation. Now she's struggling to deal with their sense of entitlement - especially a challenge now when they've seen their income shrink.
Good luck to all of you dealing with this - it's a challenge, and an important one.
Written by Tahoe Mom, February 27, 2010
We're new parents of a 2 1/2 year old and a 6 year old and just digging into these issues. Obviously, adopted children come with habits. Whining is one we're trying to eliminate. When one of ours says "I want/need..." we respond with "and Daddy wants a Gulf Stream 5 and a villa in Tuscany". The whole family is saying it together now and we all get a laugh. This morning our son said it to our daughter unprompted. It's a nice mantra for us (we really would love those things) and it diverts attention from the item in question. Since it won't work forever, we're boning up on our financial education to pass on to them, but indulging whims, even cheap ones, can't be in the cards for us.
Written by C, February 27, 2010
Tara Spicer ~ I love that comment about fiscal mismanagement being more widely acceptable than parenting mismanagement. I thought that was a brilliant observation.
Kenia ~ I don't agree that "women in general are confused about why we aren't getting ahead in society faster." I think that women underestimating other women with such generalizations does as much to set us back as any other "external societal obstacle."
And continuing to identify certain areas of knowledge as "masculine" (even if only to point out that this is the stereotypical view) just perpetuates that way of thinking. We can't break down the gender barrier if women continue to tell each other that they are not working hard enough at being good at what men do.
As nicely as you tried to put it, to basically say, "Too bad only a feminine topic like motherhood elicited the most responses" does not -- in my opinion -- move us forward. I think it was an unnecessary judgment on a topic that resonated with people. We as women need to encourage each other and to acknowledge value in the things about which we are passionate. That's empowering.
Kenia ~ I don't agree that "women in general are confused about why we aren't getting ahead in society faster." I think that women underestimating other women with such generalizations does as much to set us back as any other "external societal obstacle."
And continuing to identify certain areas of knowledge as "masculine" (even if only to point out that this is the stereotypical view) just perpetuates that way of thinking. We can't break down the gender barrier if women continue to tell each other that they are not working hard enough at being good at what men do.
As nicely as you tried to put it, to basically say, "Too bad only a feminine topic like motherhood elicited the most responses" does not -- in my opinion -- move us forward. I think it was an unnecessary judgment on a topic that resonated with people. We as women need to encourage each other and to acknowledge value in the things about which we are passionate. That's empowering.
Written by Amanda Steinberg (DailyWorth founder), February 27, 2010
WOW?!?! I now have so many great ideas here, and as a result, am far more confident in how I might respond when faced with "I want/I need" in the near future. I'm overwhelmed with joy seeing how DailyWorth has evolved ... really speechless. Incredible. Thank you.
Since writing this post a few days ago, we've already gotten him a piggy bank and he's allowed to put any change he finds (on the laundry room floor, for example) into the bank. We got this idea from a comment on yesterday's blog comments. This will be his toy fund.
I love @suzanneh's "the balloon is too expensive" story above. That's what happens when they have their own limited funds!
@Cathy - I know he's too young to totally get it, but he still thinks the piggy bank is fun so it's fine. I also had a few more opportunities since the responses started rolling in to say "no" yesterday, and I did so with far more confidence than ever before. And I love the idea about not bringing him to the store in the first place. There's a lot of wisdom in that! No more "we're going to Target because we have nothing else to do on a Saturday afternoon" trips (yes, it happens).
OK, I'm going back to re-reading some of these responses -- I'm in total awe of what's happened on this post.
Since writing this post a few days ago, we've already gotten him a piggy bank and he's allowed to put any change he finds (on the laundry room floor, for example) into the bank. We got this idea from a comment on yesterday's blog comments. This will be his toy fund.
I love @suzanneh's "the balloon is too expensive" story above. That's what happens when they have their own limited funds!
@Cathy - I know he's too young to totally get it, but he still thinks the piggy bank is fun so it's fine. I also had a few more opportunities since the responses started rolling in to say "no" yesterday, and I did so with far more confidence than ever before. And I love the idea about not bringing him to the store in the first place. There's a lot of wisdom in that! No more "we're going to Target because we have nothing else to do on a Saturday afternoon" trips (yes, it happens).
OK, I'm going back to re-reading some of these responses -- I'm in total awe of what's happened on this post.
Written by CarolW, February 27, 2010
I'm late to this incredible conversation, but wanted to pass along what really works with my two boys, now 8 and 12. There are shopping trips where they are allowed to "window shop" and shopping trips where they are allowed to spend - here's the key - their own money or gift card. I'll often hear, "We're window shopping today, right?" Their shopping days also are earned and don't occur often. It helps them focus on something, keep their behavior in check, and teaches delayed gratification. This strategy isn't perfect, but I've been amazed how much they grabbed onto the idea. Give us an update on how you're doing on this topic.
Written by Emma, February 28, 2010
Hi, I am writing from Australia and my bank produced the best money box ever. It has four sections with a flip top lid on each, they are labelled "giving" - for presents, charity etc, "living" - small everyday items eg: toys, food, "saving" - for bigger items eg: bike, computer game etc and "wealthing" - only for things that will make them more money eg: term deposit, shares (when older!)investments. The Saving and Wealthing lids are shut with a screw (only Mum or Dad to open) to remind them that you cannot just dip into savings if you feel like it. It also came with a DVD that has software to let them track their savings and plan goals. We got one for our son when he was five and he loves it. He now asks can he take money from his living section if we are out. I tell him he has to remember the price and check when he gets home and see if he has enough. If he still wants it he can bring the money next time we go shopping. I wish I had one when I was a kid!
Written by D, February 28, 2010
What you have really taught and instilled in your child is that whining will get whatever you want. You have not stopped anything... think about it... the whining will not magically stop! Rewarding whining will only taught him that whining wins! My suggestion is to reward good behavior. Take him shopping all the time and at the end of the week reward him for NOT whining. Decide at the beginning of the week what he wants, even if he changes his mind it is a step toward goal setting. He has to "work" for what he wants. earn what he wants. As he begins to whine remind him of the deal. Do NOT GIVE IN!! It will be tough, change always is. But what you will gain is priceless. This is not a punishment for your child, this is a priceless life lesson that will only help them for the rest of your life. No one said parenting was always easy, but it's your job. Do you want it easy for a split second (when you give hush presents) or for a life time when you've raised a person that is responsible, patient, well behaved and respectful? And no I do not think that 3 years old is too young for this, I have a 6 year old boy who represents all of these qualities. Do not get me wrong I'm not sitting up here saying my child does not know how to occasionally work a nerve, but he does know the meaning dollar, manners and who is the boss. You can do this or what ever works for your family. Just take a minute to think about your actions and what they may really be teaching your child. It sounds like you've come a long way, congratulations. Hang in there.
Written by Vanessa Bright, February 28, 2010
I am blessed with a 5 year old son that has never gone through the whining stage. However, now that he is in a private school with other kids that alot of material things,his requests are growing. I have explained to him that you have to budget and save money for the things that you want and that they are a privelege and not a right. He is aware that he has to earn these rewards based on good behavior, e.g.,following instructions, doing well in school, cleaning his room, etc. I set a budget for him. I also keep my committments when I tell him I am going to get something.
Written by Megan, March 01, 2010
First, I love your newsletter and recommend it to many of my clients! Thank you so much for bringing savings and frugality to our inboxes daily.
Second, a colleague and I teach a class about Teaching Children About Money. My recommendations for Tired Mom:
1. Your son puts together a great argument - he is smart as a whip! He may be ready for an allowance. Offer him a $1 or $5 bill. If he knows that the $5 is worth more, he's ready. Pay him $1/week just to give him experience with money and to allow HIM to replace the yellow power ranger.
2. If you do not cave after saying no, he will unlearn that whining changes a "no" to a "yes".
3. To be even more hardcore, always say no at the store. Explain that you have a list of items you plan to buy - I even talk about what we are going to buy on the way to Target with my 5 yr old. It is great practice for both of us! :)
4. Finally, I think your explanation about why you work was great! Just tweak it a little, maybe, to explain that you very thoughtfully decide how you are going to spend your money. Given him access to hiw own money will help reinforce that.
You are doing great!! Good job. And good luck!
Second, a colleague and I teach a class about Teaching Children About Money. My recommendations for Tired Mom:
1. Your son puts together a great argument - he is smart as a whip! He may be ready for an allowance. Offer him a $1 or $5 bill. If he knows that the $5 is worth more, he's ready. Pay him $1/week just to give him experience with money and to allow HIM to replace the yellow power ranger.
2. If you do not cave after saying no, he will unlearn that whining changes a "no" to a "yes".
3. To be even more hardcore, always say no at the store. Explain that you have a list of items you plan to buy - I even talk about what we are going to buy on the way to Target with my 5 yr old. It is great practice for both of us! :)
4. Finally, I think your explanation about why you work was great! Just tweak it a little, maybe, to explain that you very thoughtfully decide how you are going to spend your money. Given him access to hiw own money will help reinforce that.
You are doing great!! Good job. And good luck!
Written by Trainerpack, March 01, 2010
Lucky for me no kids yet so I am saving money for the day I will have kids:)
Written by Suz, March 18, 2010
I simply tell my kids that they can put that item on their birthday or Christmas wish list (whichever holiday is coming up first). Other than birthdays or Christmas, I maybe get them a $5 gift at Valentine's and spend about $20 on their Easter basket (including candy and egg hunt goodies) -- and sometimes a summer/outdoor something that I really want them to have -- like if they've outgrown their bike. Since it's unreasonable to wait until Christmas for a summer something. And that's it.
When they were little, I paid them a nickel, dime, or a quarter for small jobs around the house. My 14-year old who cleans the bathroom (including the shower) every week, does nightly dishes half the week (my other son does them the rest of the week), and occasional yardwork -- gets $3.50/week for allowance. If needed, he can also vacuum the whole house or cook dinners for the week for me (my 3 kids rotated cooking dinner for a week last summer).
So if they want to buy something, they use their allowance to get it --whether it be a candy, a fruit smoothie or a toy.
We've just started allowing my oldest son to earn $$ for other "extra" jobs, outside of his normal list of chores -- like replacing the chandelier that his dad was too busy/unmotivated to do. We actually pay him about $4/hour for these jobs -- big $$ for him!!
He's trying to earn enough to pay for his portion of his band Disneyland trip. (When our kids go on summer camp/school trips, they need to pay for a portion of the trip.) Even when they were too little to earn an "allowance", they had to do about 7 week's worth of chores (set the table, clean the van, etc) to help contribute to their extracurricular activities, like playing on a 14 week recreational soccer team.
As a result, except for my 6-year-old youngest, all 3 of my kids (9, 11, and 14 years old) totally get deferred gratification and saving up for what they want. We've tried to help them see the connect between doing a job and receiving money for it...that money doesn't just grow on trees. And to balance that with the fact that being part of a family means contributing to that community in some way without being paid for it. And also to see that their activities cost $$ -- which they should also help contribute to in some fashion -- there's no free lunch.
Hope this helps!
When they were little, I paid them a nickel, dime, or a quarter for small jobs around the house. My 14-year old who cleans the bathroom (including the shower) every week, does nightly dishes half the week (my other son does them the rest of the week), and occasional yardwork -- gets $3.50/week for allowance. If needed, he can also vacuum the whole house or cook dinners for the week for me (my 3 kids rotated cooking dinner for a week last summer).
So if they want to buy something, they use their allowance to get it --whether it be a candy, a fruit smoothie or a toy.
We've just started allowing my oldest son to earn $$ for other "extra" jobs, outside of his normal list of chores -- like replacing the chandelier that his dad was too busy/unmotivated to do. We actually pay him about $4/hour for these jobs -- big $$ for him!!
He's trying to earn enough to pay for his portion of his band Disneyland trip. (When our kids go on summer camp/school trips, they need to pay for a portion of the trip.) Even when they were too little to earn an "allowance", they had to do about 7 week's worth of chores (set the table, clean the van, etc) to help contribute to their extracurricular activities, like playing on a 14 week recreational soccer team.
As a result, except for my 6-year-old youngest, all 3 of my kids (9, 11, and 14 years old) totally get deferred gratification and saving up for what they want. We've tried to help them see the connect between doing a job and receiving money for it...that money doesn't just grow on trees. And to balance that with the fact that being part of a family means contributing to that community in some way without being paid for it. And also to see that their activities cost $$ -- which they should also help contribute to in some fashion -- there's no free lunch.
Hope this helps!
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Once, when she was 4ish and had asked for something, I replied "I don't have money for that today." She pointed to the cashier and said "She does! She has money!!" Lol.
Why not give your son a small allowance and let him save up for a new yellow Power Ranger? He sounds like he is ready to start learning about money, saving, and spending.